the more I think about it the more I think we need a harikiri style "honorable exit" for kids who have no useful place in the McDonalds / Lowes Multiplex / Best Buy / Wal Mart economy which seems destined to prevail for the immediate future.

after the unification of Japan under the Tokugawa shogunate massive numbers of masterless warrior-caste men were forced to live under reduced circumstances. It was permitted that this sea of human wreckage find respite and respect in a noble house as a preface to the act of ritual suicide

I think universities should allow kids like Mr. Hussrel here to come stay in a dorm room for a few weeks while they make arrangements and then provide them with license to shoot themselves through the left temple while kneeling in the middle of the quad. I imagine the suicide will be dressed in his or her graduation robes, sitting beside the president of the university. they will bow respectfully to one another. then: the shot, followed by a brief reception at which small sandwiches are served

while these lost souls ritually bathe in the dorm showers and reflect on the course of study which they intended to pursue they will be able to commune with the kids who are only beginning their education, serving as mute testament to the university's firm commitment to human life's complete and total lack of value. this will aid in the mission of liberal arts. it will give students a glimpse of the grim  future which awaits them and, as such, will serve to encourage cut-throat competition among prospective scholars and enforce rigid patterns of orthodoxy that will guarantee their work is read by a vanishingly small minority of people paying into a scam system of information control which guarantees total cultural and intellectual irrelevance. only subjects which either support or do not overtly threaten the prevailing power structures will be pursued and everyone will be able to write their application essays to master's programs about the few weeks they spent in the company of a dead man or woman ("this experience opened me to the true profundity of Proust," etc etc)

at big state schools the bodies of alumni suicides may be hung from iron gibbets at the end-zone of football fields, their vacant bones helping to encourage school spirit and provoke terror in opposing teams. imagine the delight at the Rose Bowl as Oklahoma's star quarterback slams into the bleached bones of a doctor of philosophy and rises, laughing, holding the radius and ulna of a skinless forearm patiently locked into a "thumbs-up" position by the careful wiring of freshman volunteers. It is my profound belief that such displays would accrue many "likes" and "shares," securing the university its rightful place of prominent benevolence in the rapidly shifting cultural landscape of the twenty-first century

when no longer useful as propaganda tools the bodies of the useless may be disposed of in hip, smartly designed mass graves (contracted out to the artist with the most exotic ethnic identity and, coincidentally, the lowest bid) where business majors will be able to photograph themselves urinating on clear winter nights, their disdain steaming as it meets the thirsty earth and the “scholars,” recognized at last, will gargle piss in hell

(It should be noted that often samurai would use the institution of harakiri as a means to malinger and enjoy creature comforts, then refuse to kill themselves. if a student should take advantage of my proposed system in this manner I would suggest that they, like sex offenders, be banned from renting apartments, holding jobs or accruing taxable income -- but these are all already punishments meted out for excess student debt)

please forward this message to the president of your educational institution for immediate consideration. I am willing to consult on implementing a public suicide project for a simple six-figure fee and the temporary use of shower facilities